Shop Pigging not Shopping / Death to Butters

The Elecpencil proved he will go to the extreme of torture beyond mere water boarding in order to experience the ugly underbelly of society and report it here. I’m talking about rubbing elbows with an element of society more dangerous and vile than all the pimps, hookers, small time gangsters and foul mouthed truck stop waitresses that fill a Tom Waits recording.

In the interest of science I hung out with vampires and zombies on the most frightening night of the year. It is a day that shows we are a declining society. It ranks with such savage events like barbarism, witch burnings, plagues and the inquisition. That would be the demonic shopping day known as Black Friday. It got that name because it has historically been the day when stores broke into profitability for the full year.

My daughter, the Mac suggested we needed to buy one present for Christmas for all of us. That would be a new TV as ours has no remote, a 12-inch picture in a 20-inch frame and volume that raises and lowers ghostlike. She informed us that they also make color TVs now a days. That came as quite a shock to me as our family doesn’t spend much time keeping up with the latest technology. Mac suggested that we go early in the morning and get in line at an electronics store for one of the Black Friday specials on TV’s.

On the plus side Mrs. Elecpencil and I both had Friday off of work. Unfortunately that is also a day many people have been emancipated from work so the lines could be long. The big problem is a disorder I have known as, poverty. Like many people I don’t make enough money to support my family. I could try to convince my employer that I can’t live on these wages but he would say he isn’t in the business of saving my life.

The Mac said, that the electronic stores doors open at 3 am Friday morning. I had a relative who drove past the store tell me several tents of shoppers were already on the sidewalk as of Thursday at 10 am. I guess these were folks that were so thoughtful about wanting to buy a present for their loved ones they actually gave up enjoying a day of thanks with their families. Such sacrifice for others is the true spirit of Christmas I was thinking in my naive mind.

I looked up some stores on line and most had the same “bargains” I could buy online with free shipping instead of standing out in the cold for. The Mac had experienced standing out in the cold on Black Friday a couple of years ago and convinced us it was something we should check out. I wasn’t easily convinced because I have had previous experience being on a strike line for months on end in the wintry wee hours. We decided to go to the Grove City Outlets, which were opening at midnight, which seemed better than 3 am.

Darkness was upon us as we started out at 10:30 pm on our adventure. Fact is what with it being winter and that stupid turning your clock back crap darkness is upon us at 5:30 pm. We went a back way and arrived at 11:20. Some of the stores were opened since earlier in the day but not of course the ones my family wanted to shop at.

Mac and her friend, Mrs. Elecpencil and I got in line to go in PAC Sun. There were about 70 people in front of us and as many behind. Next thing you know a line starts parallel to the line at the door. I am shocked people walk up 20 minutes before the door opens and do this when people have been waiting in the cold for an hour. This is not something I’d want to do to an angry crowd who has been waiting in the cold jacked up chain smoking and guzzling high energy drinks.

A girl behind me tells me they are butting. She suggests butters should be brutally hacked to death, set on fire and their bodies spit upon. Wow, such Christian spirit for the holidays. The elecpencil fancies himself to be a man of peace. Standing in the cold an old saying comes to him. That is, “Whenever you find injustice, the proper form of politeness is attack.” I start looking around to see if there is a store I can buy some machetes and lighter fluid for myself and my muse in line behind me.

Once the doors open the parallel line is pushing like their lives depended on it. Once inside the store people grab clothes and line up at the registers or fitting rooms. I make a mental note about the people with armloads of clothing in the fitting room lines. That is that’s it’s amazing that the people they are buying clothes as Christmas presents for are the same size as them. They I demise aren’t shopping for others they are shop pigging for themselves.

Mac is in one of two checkout lines with clothes she has bought for her brother. She got in line at 12:15 and when my wife and I returned from shopping elsewhere she was still in line at 1:30. She said, people were just cutting in line and arguments were breaking out. We let her go shopping while we waited in line until 2:50. My wife refused to leave the line despite the Elecpencil’s pleading. I personally don’t even wait at a restaurant if they a say it’s going to be 5 minutes.

The lines in the store circled around the walls. There wasn’t room left for anyone to shop. They only had two registers open with two cashiers and two baggers. Meanwhile they had a greeter at the door and one employee wasting her time folding up items on shelves no one could get to. I’d say if you’re going to have people in line for hours you should have people giving them massages and free drinks by damn.

A woman and her young daughter tried to get in line behind us. I wondered why a woman would bring such a young girl out so early in the morning. They both claimed they had been in that spot. It was sad to see a mother lie in front of her young daughter and the daughter lie to back her up. Such lovely Christmas spirit. Mrs. Elecpencil said, “Neither of you were here.” The girl they butted in line in front of sternly said, “I strongly suggest you move to the back of the line.” The woman put her things down and left the store. Yeah, victory for our side and a loss for the butters. Now I was finding myself being unchristian like.

By 3:00 am the whole shopping complex was packed with huge lines at every store’s register. Seven buses from Canada had arrived plus buses from elsewhere. I talked with a woman from Toronto that was shopping despite having her broken foot in a cast. From this I deducted that even the wounded had entered the shopping battleground. I saw four teenage boys all in gray hoodies (an outlet mall gang?) with the hoods up drinking alcohol in paper bags. They were all screaming, “Woooooooo.” Which in drunk means, I can’t handle alcohol. Between the drunks and the butters the Elecpencil sensed his asshole magnet was drawing an evil element that could endanger his family so we headed for the Jalopy GT and made our exit.

After arriving at our domicile the Mac and her friend still having teenage energy headed off for the Eastwood Mall. The Elecpencil had decided to never again experience Black Friday. The nasty butters are a culture I don’t understand and hope to never see again. I’m reminded of an old saying, “ An idealist is a man who worries about why people do things. A practical man is he who worries about how to get out of it without doing it.” Put the Elecpencil down as a practical man.

Black Friday shoppers kill at Walmart: WalMart killers

The fun of Black friday: fun

More fun: crazy fun

Christmas shopping music: tune

Shopping music: music

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