Aunt Sally and Uncle Walt’s B.S. B.S.

I have more than had it with your aunt and uncle. You know the ones I mean, your Aunt Sally and Uncle Walt. They are both full of B.S. B.S. yep, that’s no mistake I wrote B.S. twice. That’s because B.S.B.S. stands for, bucket seat bullshit and they are up to their silver Mercury Grand Marquis’s half black vinyl roof full of it.

At the grocery store at the dentist office or where ever I go Sally and Walt are somewhere nearby pontificating to anyone that will listen. What they are pontificating is the same geriatric diatribe I hear so many seniors expressing. I hear Walt start, “Far as I can tell the economy is humming right along.” Next comes Sally, “Saturday Walt and I were driving down (224, 442, Belmont, Elm Rd. etc.) and we noticed lots of cars at (restaurant of your choice). So I can’t see why we are suppose to buy the talk of being in a recession.”

I keep hearing this same B.S. B.S. over and over from lots of Aunt Sallys and Uncle Walters. I want to say; “Damn we need to fire all the economist in the country and all the workers at the Employment Office because Sally and Walt have done the real research.” Sally and Walt are a new breed of economist known as, “Bucket seat economists.” Or in the case of the elderly vehicle of choice the Grand Marquis, “Split bench-seat economists.” These oldster economic analysts do drive-by research while wearing a seat belt and facing an airbag no charts or graphs needed.

First off Sally and Walt, Saturday has always been international date night so if a couple is eating  out any day of the week it will be Saturday. A family will probably eat out on a Friday as it’s the end of the week. If Sally and Walt actually ask a restaurant owner how business is they’d hear that business is off a big percent. I see lots of coupon offers anymore and fancier restaurants are touting that they now have many dinners under $10. Of course just driving by a restaurant and counting parked cars is a lot easier for the Sallys and Walts of the world what with speculation being so much easier than fact.

As of late when I hear Sally and Walter’s B.B B.S. I ask them if before they drive on a bridge they take the time to look under it and see how many homeless people are living there. I ask them if they’ve stopped at the employment office, a food pantry, a soup kitchen or the Salvation Army and seen how many needy people are really out there. Sally and Walt don’t realize what’s happening as that would require removing themselves from the Grand Marquis warm dual climate control system. Even if they didn’t want to get out of the big Mercury they could do more drive-by research. That research would show the rising number of poverty pimps in the form of pawnshops, check cashing stores and Rent-A-Centers that  have sprung up. They’d see the explosion of the number of dollar stores that are being built because we are getting down to our last dollar.

I was at my doc’s office the other day when I again ran into your Aunt Sally who was waiting for Walt who was in for a checkup. Doc usually has on CNN or MSNBC but one of the patients must have wanted to watch comedy so he turned on FOX NEWS. They were doing a segment for what passes for important news on FOX about Natalie Suleman the mother who has octuplets. Aunt Sally went into a huge tirade calling, Suleman, “ A simple ass, bimbo, Angelina Jolie wannabe, baby vending machine.” Sally assumed the Elecpencil and a couple who cowered from her would nod our heads agreeing with her. She continued, “The woman is a psychopathic nut job who’s gong to be on welfare costing us taxpayers our last dollar.”

I realized the asshole magnet (check my older post about the Oakland Theater Stage review) that aliens planted in me must be on high frequency as I look over at Sally. I replied to her, “Maybe Suleman got that expression that it takes a village to raise a child mixed up and thought it took one woman to raise a village of children.” Sally was not in the mood for humor and tried to stare a hole through me. Sally had no idea that she couldn’t harm me as I wear my stare proof vest daily just to protect me from her type. Her type are the sidewalk B.S. self-appointed psychologist that diagnose everyone. Their diagnosis is worth just what it cost them to get their sidewalk degree…. zip.

I said to Sally, “Do you shop at Wal-Mart or Sam’s Club?” She replied, “I shop at Wal-Mart and I belong to Sam’ s Club but what does that have to do with anything?” I replied, “Only that you are a hypocrite who trashes a woman who worked and paid into welfare and is entitled to some back while you shop at the biggest welfare queens on the planet that have cost us taxpayers over $1.2 billion.”  I continued my rant, “The Iraq war cost us taxpayers $3 trillion, there were billions in costs overruns, millions of dollars unaccounted for and lots of corrupt non-bid contracts through out the last eight years. Did you protest, call for investigations or even scream about any of that to innocent bystanders in a doctors office?”

Sally shot back at me, “ I don’t follow all that stuff and anyway I’m talking about this woman and right now.” About this time the nurse walks out with your Uncle Walt whom is looking peaked and walking bent over. The nurse hands him a prescription and tells him to take it easy and slow down. They exit while the cowering couple next to me now sit up straight and sigh in relief. I want to ask them if like me they have been implanted by aliens with asshole magnets but I get up as I hear the nurse call, “Elecpencil.” The nurse checks my blood pressure and tells me it’s rather high. I tell her it’s Doc’s fault for allowing FOXNEWS and Aunt Sally’s B.S. B.S. in the waiting room.

Greg Brown Except You and Me Babe

Blue Car

“One reason why we think that life is good in America
is that most of the people who are describing life, the
articulate people, are on the gravy end.  The people
who can’t speak for themselves, the inarticulate who grow
in numbers every day, have no proper spokespeople.”
John le Carré



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2 responses to “Aunt Sally and Uncle Walt’s B.S. B.S.

  1. tanta

    High blood pressure is certainly directly related to the preponderance of the comments spread by our peers who have been influenced by Fox News commentators and the “Limpbaughs.”
    It is important to challenge the pompous and glib analysis they would willingly offer to all who would agree with them. To challenge the dogma is the start of dialogue, although the follow-up may not be with you. We got your back.

  2. It was nice to see your blog.Just Keep Writing!

    Don’t pay for your electricity any longer…
    Instead, the power company will pay YOU!

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