No to Teabaggers, Yes to Former Grass Baggers

I heard a candidate for office say; he would get rid of the new health care plan. When asked, what he would replace it with he said, he had no idea. That is the problem with many people who are against something but have no inkling of  a solution.

I don’t hate the government because that would be self-loathing. You see, we are the government. So when I say, I think the government can make a better world I mean, “we the people” are the solution. Given that, it’s up to us to focus on problems and offer solutions. I want to address problems like: air pollution, soil and water pollution, waste of water, waste of fuel, waste of money, waste of time, and noise pollution. At the same time I have  a solution to these problems and many more.  I want to unleash a huge army of volunteers. They would be available to help at: food pantries, homeless shelters, soup kitchens, nursing homes, hospitals, schools, parks, playgrounds, Goodwill, the Salvation Army, Meals on Wheels, Helpline, etc.

Who makes up this army of volunteers you ask? It’s folks with lots of time and energy on their hands. They are people who make up my neighborhood and I’m sure yours too. There are so many of them that if we can harness their wasted money, time and energy we can make the USA a heaven on Earth. I’m talking about drafting an army of people known as, “Yard Nazis.”

My yard is completely surrounded by retired, Yard Nazis who have given up on life. They must have because they have decided to do nothing but mow their grass 4-5 times a week. They do this whether it needs it or not. Truth is I mow my yard about once every 10 days and that is all it needs. Mowing 4-5 times a week is a lot of noise and air pollution. Then there is the pollution of soil and water by all the chemicals these grass worshippers dump on their lawns. Then there is the pollution from these people burning leafs, sticks and grass clippings. In my neighborhood burn barrels are like altars to these lawn worshippers. Burning yard waste is a religious sacrament to these people. There is a major waste of money on chemicals, mowers, leaf blowers, edger’s, weedwackers and other tools. Just think about how much good that money could do, if given to charity. Here is a video about how people are crazy about their lawns.

To Yard Nazis riding a lawn tractor is like being, Ben Cartwright riding on a horse overseeing his Ponderosa. One of my neighbor ladies uses a push mower with a bagger. When she is done, she gets on her riding mower with a bagger and mows a second time. She does this at least 4 times a week. All the while she has a cigarette hanging out the corner of her mouth. Ladies, this is not a good look and not a good idea while near a mowers gas tank. Of course in my neighborhood when one Yard Nazi mows the rest are mowing within minutes, even if they mowed the day before.

Over mowing adds to the  national security issue by wasting gas, as that puts us at the mercy of foreign countries that provide us with gasoline. We need to convince Yard Nazis that they are unpatriotic. It won’t be easy because these people are addicts. The smell of gas and grass is like crack to these mowing junkies. These people are to be pitied and need intervention. They are doing meaningless and destructive polluting tasks that need to be redirected. Once they have seen that their time and energy can help their fellow-man they will feel more productive. This new army of volunteers could create a revolution of good will that could change our world for the better.

It won’t be easy to convince Yard Nazis of their potential for good. Some laws will have to be considered. Things like rationing gas so the can only mow once a week could be a start. Maybe to benefit the Red Cross they could have an exchange of one pint of gas for every pint of blood donated. Mowers could also be equipped with a governor or monitor so that it only works one hour a week.

Some Yard Nazis probably cannot get over their addiction. For them we would have a program called, “Grow Food Not Grass.” Yard Nazis tend to waste lots of time so they need to be taught how to grow food quickly. That way they would not waste all day in the garden. This way we could provide for hungry people. Many of my grass worshipping neighbors also have gardens, that they spend many wasted hours in. My neighbor Mr. S brought me over a huge head of cabbage. It was very nice of him especially if you count how many hours he spent in that garden. Doing the math even at minimum wage I realized, he had given me a, $1500 head of cabbage.

We need to do the best we can for the future generations with our time on this planet. Think about when you get to heaven. When St. Peter asks, “What did you do with your life?” Do you really want to say, “I mowed grass.” If God wanted the grass to be half an inch tall he would not have made it to grow.

These junkies can be the new silent majority that can save the planet. We don’t need the, teabaggers we need former grass baggers!  Onward Yard Nazi Army with this new slogan, “Doing good deeds and ignoring the weeds.”

Song: No Mow Zone

Song: Mow the Lawn

Grass is the cheapest plant to install and the most expensive to maintain. ~Pat Howell


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4 responses to “No to Teabaggers, Yes to Former Grass Baggers

  1. Lou

    You’re lucky. I Bought a house a couple years ago from a little old lady knowing it would need ten year worth of updates. Ended up being twenty.

    To make matters worth, my Yard Nazi is the son-in-law who thought the house was his. He literally sits and smokes on his driveway and stares at my sidelot.

  2. elecpencil

    Lou ~ These Nazis are everywhere doing their blitzkrieg lawn work as if their life depended on it. Thanks for commenting and I hope you don’t mind I added you blog to my blogroll as I like it a lot.

  3. Pat

    You are a blaspheming idiot and a lazy one at that. You envy your neighbor and you to to narcissistic to admit it. You are the one that sounds like a Nazi, minding the business of your neighbor and how much he is “polluting”. Your overexaggerated diatribe shows the weakness of your argument, no one mows their yard four times a week. If you live in a neighborhood with an HOA and you dislike it, MOVE! The HOA’s are in place to keep lazy people out and to keep nice tidy yards, normally mowed every 7-14 days as in my neighborhood

  4. elecpencil

    Wow. Lighten up there Adolf. I envy that my neighbors have no life other than mowing their grass? We have no HOA (Home Owners Association) in my neighborhood. That’s because we are working-class folks, not folks living in a suburban yuppie scum development. If we did have an HOA they would tell my neighbors they don’t need to use noisy power washers to wash their cars at 7:00 am. When your neighbor is running a leaf blower and lawn mower while you have friends over for a back yard picnic and can’t hear a word each other is saying it becomes your business. When my neighbors burn grass (which is illegal) all summer long and I can’t breath because of their POLLUTION it is my business. When they apply deadly chemical to their lawns that blow into my yard and threaten my kids and pets it is my business. These folks are retired they have nothing else to do but cut grass and putter in the yard 4-7 days a week. I mow my grass when it needs it, every 7-14 days (and spend time volunteering in my community) how does that make me lazy? Sorry, you lack a sense of humor. Maybe you lost it by attending too many of those SS like HOA meetings.

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