Buffoons, Lie Detectors and Popes

Here is a message to WKBN 57 radio talk show host, Ron Verb. From time to time you have conservative callers say, “Ron I disagree with you 99% of the time but as far as your stand today I totally agree with you.” What that should tell you is that you are definitely wrong about the stand you are taking at the moment.

Now on to the biggest buffoon of the week award. I used to think this guy was a huge liar but I came to realize he is instead one of the dumbest S.O.B.’s I have ever experienced. I nominate Ben from the “Tracey and Friends” radio talk show at WSOM. The other day Ben said, ‘If Obama is the Messiah I want to be Pontius Pilate.” The “Messiah” label is the title Rush Limbaugh sarcastically calls President Obama. I expect Rush to say idiotic things because he is a drug addict. Rush worships Ronald Reagan as God as do a lot of conservatives. Ben shows he is a Rush follower (a dittohead) by using the word Messiah when describing President Obama. Ben earns buffoon of the week not just for that comment but for another one also. He said, “Obama went to Harvard where they have the secret ‘Skull and Bones” organization. Obama was a member and they have ties with the Illuminate, Foreign Relations Council, New World Order and other secret organizations that are a bunch of lefties planning for world domination and enslaving the Earth’s population.”

I knew Ben was a mental midget but I had no idea that he must actually do that show while wearing a straight jacket. The fact is that President Obama could never have been a member of “Skull and Bones” at Harvard. That is because Skull and Bones membership is exclusively limited to white Protestant males. A better reason is because Skull and Bones is a Yale secret society not a Harvard one. The society is known informally as “Bones,” and members are known as “Bonesmen.” Some known Bonesmen are William F. Buckley Jr., Prescott Bush, George H. Bush and George W. Bush. Not quite a bunch of lefties at all. In fact, I’ll bet Ben voted for George H. and George W. Bush. I am not surprised Ben is a conspiracy nut as he is certifiable insane. I would call for anyone in the media on the left that was this much of a liar or this moronic to be fired as he is an embarrassment. As for Ben he is on the right and makes them look even stupider than usual so I hope he has a long career behind a microphone.

I have thought up an idea I am trying to promote. I want to have all right-wing radio and TV talking heads hooked up to lie detector tests during their broadcasts. The detectors would be hooked to loud sirens that ring when a lie is told. Drug addicts are notorious liars so Rush’s rants would be drowned out for his whole 15 hour work week. You would think the Emergency Broadcasting warning was going off. Ben, Sticks, Jeff and Tracey at the local “Tracey and Friends” talk radio show would have their lie detector siren going off so long they’d cause a power outage in three states. I think these sirens would make the ratings for right-wing shows skyrocket. Though, I’d probably have to quit listening to radio talk shows on the car radio. I wouldn’t be able to drive because I’d be laughing so hard.

Things might be looking up for me in the near future. That is because I am working on a resume for a new job that has opened up. I’m thinking I’d like to do me some Popein.’ Perhaps you’ve heard that Pope Benedict XVI gave his two weeks’ notice. The Pope is also called the See of Rome, the See of St. Peter and the Pontiff. I’ve had quite a few conservatives say I’m good at pontificating so I hope the cardinals doing the hiring “See” I’m qualified. Pope Benedict XVI is the leader of over one billion Catholics. I have to admit that is just a few more people than I have that read my blog every week.

I do have some great ideas to bring the Catholic Church out of the 14th century. I have an idea that I think would make quite a bit of money for the church. I think they should market that exercise plan they have parishioners do at mass every Sunday. It is the exercise program where you sit, sing, stand, kneel, stand, sing, sit, kneel, stand, kneel, sit, sing, walk up the aisle get communion, kneel sing, stand, sing, sit, stand, kneel and sing.  This is a 45 minute to an hour exercise program that is only done one day a week (Sundays). I’d video tape the 45 minute mass and market the tape on the Home Shopping Network calling it, “Mass Cardio” or “Catholic Cardio.”  Speaking about communion what is with those nasty tasting communion hosts? They need to be replaced with a scone or bagel. If you want to go health conscience at least make them gluten-free or out of whole wheat. Also if elected Pope I’d have to keep telling the folks in Italy to speak “American.”

I would also suggest the church find another way of hiring priests. Recruiting them from the sex offender list has been one of the church’s worst ideas since inquisitions. More than previous popes I will be speaking out against the Death Penalty and any wars. I’d also be smart enough to accept the fact Catholics are using birth control and that it is no sin. Q. What do you call a Catholic that uses the accepted means of birth control the rhythm method? A. A parent. That is a joke and so is the rhythm method. At confession instead of telling people they sinned by using birth control make a little money for the church and sell the confessors some contraceptives. I had a priest friend tell me that he is sad that the Catholic Church doesn’t speak out more against wars. He suggested that the church would be more outraged if planes were dropping condoms instead of bombs. I’d also promote Liberation Theology which the church now is against. Previous popes have written encyclicals saying workers and unions should be respected. Then the church shows its hypocrisy by union busting at Catholic schools and hospitals. The church has been allowing married Episcopalian and Anglican clergy to become priest. That is hypocritical when the church won’t let Catholic priest marry. It is high time to let priest marry and let women become priests. The church has been misogynist in their treatment of women and keeping them in secondary roles in the church. While we are on it the church needs to start marrying gays. God made some people gay so who are we mere mortals to deny them rights?

I’d also make Bishop Oscar Romero of El Salvador a saint. He was assassinated by a right-wing dictator for speaking up for human rights in his country. I love the social action part of the Catholic Church that believes in social justice, peace, feeding the poor and visiting prisoners. You know, those kinds of things Jesus Christ asked his followers to do. In that vein I’d make Dorothy Day and Peter Maurin saints as they were Catholics who best illustrated what social action can do for others.

I do have some things that might hold me back from getting the pope job. I am a former Catholic; I wear size 12 EEEE shoes and a size 7 3/4 hat. I think they might be looking for a guy that fits the hats and slippers they already have. I am also not a former Hitler youth. I do think I’d be the kind of pope people would like to have a beer with. I’d be wearing a robe with no pockets for a wallet so I’m sorry but you’ll have to buy the beers. I think Pope Elecpencil has a nice ring to it. I could be the first in a long line of Pope Elecpencils. I know I can do a better job of Popein’ than any of these 10 Popes. So Pope Benedict XVI I wish you good health but keep that papal chair warm for me.

Shane McGowan and the Popes: “Paddy Public Enemy No. 1”

The Smoking Popes: “You’ll Never Walk Alone”

Area band: Jones for Revival

“I firmly believe our salvation depends on the poor.” ~ Dorothy Day


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2 responses to “Buffoons, Lie Detectors and Popes

  1. Sue

    I will gladly buy you a beer!

  2. elecpencil

    You won’t be embarrassed by my tall funny hat?

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