You’ve finally made the giant step to downsize.
You’ve gone and bought one of those tiny houses.
The ones you see on those HGTV shows on cable.
They promote these small abodes as “thrifty”
or ultra hip and environmentally conscious.
I find the media portrayal of the cool factor hilarious.
I say that because society and the media have labeled
mobile home dwellers who are trying to be thrifty as “white trash.”
These tiny house owners can afford a regular house
but have made their choice to live with less.
To call them some kind of rugged Earth friendly individualist,
is like calling the person who sleeps outside everyday homeless,
but calling the person who owns a home and does the same, an outdoorsman.
HGTV says, It’s about letting go of accumulated baggage
and living an all together fresh new simpler life.
I’d instead refer to it as being simple-minded.
People ask what is the biggest problem living in a tiny house?
The owners all unanimously agree the major issue is storage.
I’ve heard many say they rent a storage unit or keep things at their parent’s houses.
These tiny home owners don’t count that storage space into their better than thou
200 square foot tiny footprint on the Earth life, so I call bullshit on them.
They are only sleeping and cooking their Quiche in that space.
The alternative to over-consumption and trying to lead an Earth friendly life
is not about living in a 200 square foot space made from reclaimed pallets.
It is about making moralistic choices like veganism, non-violence and social justice.
I guess I could agree with the underlying reason for buying a tiny house.
That would be that it keeps your mother-in-law from visiting.
I’m sure she had a family get together to discuss how you’ve
totally gone off the deep end and dragged her daughter
and her grandchildren to live in a tiny Hobbit hole.
The family is sure to be planning some kind of intervention.
I’m not sure that the joy of keeping mom-in-law away
overshadows all of the major problems of Lilliputian living.
Things like cooking dinner in a toy sized EZ-Bake oven,
or eating in the kitchen with your elbows and knees in the living room.
If you ordered a large pizza you’d have to eat it outside.
Then again it might be nice to fry and egg while lying in bed.
Having a table double as a bed could be tough on your back.
Some of these beds are up in a loft with a ceiling three inches from your nose.
While your home insurance would be cheap,
your health insurance would be high,
to pay for all of the goosebumps to your
noggin accumulated every morning.
When I see a bed so close to the ceiling
I realize your favorite Kama Sutra position
is a major construction decision when you are
determining the height of your loft.
I’ve seen TV shows where these tiny house owners have kids.
Your kids do not want to live that close to you, or to each other.
And where is the parent’s sexy time when the kids are sleeping
on a small sleeper sofa one foot away from the parent’s loft?
There is no damn way the kids aren’t hearing their parent’s busy time.
I’m thinking years of loss innocence for any tiny house kids.
Have you ever enjoyed reading a book while you soak in a bubble bath?
Tiny house owners have to hover over their toilet while showering.
Do you presently fight with your kids to take out the garbage?
Well, wait until you tell them to empty the compost toilet.
Most tiny houses I’ve seen do not have bathrooms sinks.
Therefore, if you want to shave, you will shave in the kitchen sink.
That’s face, legs, pits and crotch if you shave it.
I’d hate the fact that the front door and the backdoor are the same door.
The door mat would only be big enough to say, “Well.”
It would bother me that there was no room to change your mind.
On the plus side, a hand towel would work as wall to wall carpet.
A tiny home would be easy to maintain for us unskilled handymen.
We wouldn’t need many tools or parts except a jack and spare tire.
I’d worry if even one family member came down sick with the flu
as it would spread through the whole house in about four seconds.
I saw one episode of “Tiny House” where the owner had his outhouse sized home
piled with tons of books in every square inch with little room for anything else.
Had he never heard of eBooks or reading books on your iPad?
At least this is one HGTV show without couples wanting kitchens with granite countertops.
The fact is that a granite counter top would weigh more than any tiny house.
Most of the “House Hunting” TV couples want a large kitchen as they love to entertain.
Owning a tiny house tells your family and friends that you are not an entertainer.
Imagine your wife saying to you, “Sweetheart let’s visit Peggy, Frank and their kids
in their remote 300 square-foot house sometime this weekend.”
Peggy and Frank think their house is a magical whimsical place
but to you it is a Ukrainian yurt torture chamber.
So you reply, “No honey I rather stay home and clean the whole house top to bottom.”
You know that would be a step in a better direction then visiting Peggy and Frank’s place,
where you have to hold your breath the whole time because it smells like a cat litter box.
Never mind the cat, think about the husband or wife after a take home Taco Bell meal.
After such a dinner the tiny house could suffer the deuce-evacuation type of gas
that could conceivably destroy the house, the contents and the marriage.
I saw a tiny house owner saying he was a conservative, rugged individualist
and a trained survivalist that doesn’t need the government.
The truth is he has fallen for all of the recent media propaganda,
from all of those cable DIY and HGTV “Tiny House” shows.
He has forgotten that he and the 99% are the real government of these United States.
He has rolled over and accepted the agenda of the 1% that is trying to buy our government.
The middle-class and the 99% have been shrinking economically for decades.
The 1%ers want us to be gullible and blindly accept their propaganda
about how cool, hip and joyful we will be when we are all tiny house dwellers.
This while they laugh at us from their penthouses and summer ocean front mansions.
That is the future we face if we let them control our political and economic system.
If you think I am acting like a conspiracy freak that is OK with me.
But there is still plenty of reasons to reject tiny house living.
After all, having your house broken into is one thing.
Coming home and finding your home stolen is quite another thing.
My biggest fear is that the big bad wolf would huff and puff
and blow my tiny 200 square foot house down.
RIP Leon Russell: “This One’s for You”
“Have nothing in your houses that you do not know to be useful or believe to be beautiful.” – William Morris