The Chinese have fortune cookies.
The Japanese, haiku poems.
But for brevity and short U.S. attention spans,
you just can’t beat a bumper sticker.
We know you’re a 1960’s era Archie Bunker,
if you have an “America, love it or leave it,” sticker.
You grew up in the Disco 70’s
if your rear bumper sticker says,
“My other car is up my nose.”
A “$hit Happens” sticker tells us
your vehicle is a 1980’s model.
Another 1980’s one is, “Honk if you love Jesus.”
That era also gave us, “Honk if you’re horny.”
I’d have loved to have seen both stickers
proudly displayed on the same bumper.
You’re a parent in the 1990’s if your Minivan
had a sticker that said, “Baby on board.”
Were we supposed to congratulate you
for your ability to procreate?
At the peak of the “Baby on board” craze,
I saw a sticker saying, “Baby in trunk”.
In the 2000’s the family SUV’s rear window stickers,
featured a stick figure representing each family member.
My favorite one is of a stick guy humping
a woman stick figure with words
stating, “I’m working on it”.
One sticker had a helicopter firing missiles
directly at a stick family drawing saying,
“No one cares about your stick family.”
High schools give out bumper stickers
to their honor roll students.
Parents proudly display them.
Then we have the parent, likely to raise a bully
displaying his utter stupidity with his sticker saying,
“My kid just beat the crap out of your honor student”
That really shows the world the typical American attitude.
I don’t miss such bumper stickers as “I brake for Unicorns”,
“Obey gravity it’s the law” or “Don’t laugh it’s paid for.”
You’ve seen the guy in a rusty crapbox beater
with the sticker, “My other car is a Ferrari.”
I want to follow him home and say,
“I’d love to take a look at that Ferrari.”
If you drive a beat-up Pinto, belching black smoke,
you shouldn’t have a sticker about saving the planet.
A co-exist sticker has no place next to an NRA sticker.
“Jesus saves’ and a “Don’t mess with Texas,”
are almost always on the same car, or rather, truck.
You might see the angry, in your face sticker
“If you ain’t Texan you ain’t shit.”
Which means if you are Texan you are shit.
At least most vehicles with, “Save the Whales”
and other environment stickers are much easier to pass.
I hate the road rage style drivers
with “How’s my driving?” stickers.
Then you have the guy who cut you off
with his, “What would Jesus do?” sticker.
Perhaps, Jesus would use a turn signal
and thank you for letting him merge.
I saw a bumper stickers with a fair warning about the driver.
It proclaimed, “You are behind an angry religious right-wing extremist.”
If the bumper sticker on your Silverado, Ram or a PT Cruiser
shouts, ‘Take my American flag off your foreign car,”
you need to remove it as your vehicle was made in Mexico.
Team bumper stickers are quite popular.
It’s for the same reason guys wear team jackets.
They’d rather live in some athlete’s glory than none at all.
Their team bumper sticker is really declaring,
“I’m not a random blue-collar loser! I’m a STEELERS FAN!!!
Stoners put on a “Drugs Kill” bumper sticker.
Alcoholics a “Love is a Sober Driver” sticker.
It cuts down on getting stopped by the police
in those late-night roadside checkpoints.
My son is serving in the US Army” is good
for an additional 15 mph over the speed limit.
If you drive a Chevy Equinox or a Ram pickup
you definitely need a bright-colored bumper sticker.
That’s because these vehicles are like belly buttons,
so a sticker will help you find your car in a sea of lookalikes.
A study showed that drivers of cars with bumper sticker,
window decals, personalized plates and other territorial markers
are quicker to get mad and use their vehicle for road rage.
The personality transformation people have
behind the wheel of a car can be very scary.
My wife has said that I’m an aggressive driver.
I’ve explained to her that I’m only doing it because
other drivers are jerks who don’t know how to drive.
Drivers like me, are just trying to increase the overall quality
of driving on our highways by passing slow drivers
in no passing lanes, tailgating, using obscene gestures
and running people in our way off the road’s shoulder.
In the end everyone will become better drivers because
of the actions of us aggressive drivers.
As for bumper stickers, if their message makes your blood boil
it has conveyed the car owner’s intended message.
These folks are narcissists trapped in their crappy car.
They want you to know their shitty point of view.
The rustier the car, the more stickers
and the stronger their angry opinions.
It’s obvious they hate their car, family, ex-spouse,
crap job, crap life and are living in their mom’s basement.
Let’s be honest with bumper sticker drivers and tell them,
people don’t need bumper stickers to share their opinions.
We have Facebook, which gives us more privacy and safety
when we are sharing our ignorant, hateful offensive views.
Besides, we don’t have time to read your bumper stickers
because we are too busy texting while driving.
Lonnie Holley: “I Threw My Headback”
“Impatience often makes us patients.”
― Mokokoma Mokhonoana